Friday, September 12, 2008

I'm Postive, It's Positive

I've been meaning to write this for the last few days, but I wanted to make sure that I was ready.

On Tuesday morning, I woke up when Josh got up and took a pregnancy test. When I came downstairs at 6:30 in the morning on one of my days off, he asked the obvious question: "What are you doing up so early?" In retrospect, he should've asked the really obvious question: "Are you pregnant?" Why else would I be wide awake so early on a Tuesday morning?

I responded: "I took a pregnancy test. I'm pregnant." Despite fleeting thoughts of doing something cute and charming to give him the news, I just blurted it out unceremoniously. I'm a terrible secret keeper. I got to see more of his half-chewed breakfast than usual that morning.

His response--"Oh"--was followed by a long silence and the sound of me preparing my morning bagel. Much to his credit, he asked, "Should we talk about this?" Of course we should, but after I said yes that we should talk about it, there was more silence. "What would you like to say?" I asked. In those first few moments, there wasn't a whole lot to say. We did go to coffee that morning and talk about it some, and we've continued to talk about it as the days go by, and while Josh was nervous and anxious and excited and afraid that he wouldn't live up to expectations the first day, I think he's getting more excited by the day. And here we are only 5-6 weeks in.

I called Kaiser later that day in a daze. The appointment is still 4 weeks out, which seems like an unnaturally long time. But, then, I'm really barely pregnant. And I don't feel pregnant. But all I can think about is being pregnant. I think that might mean that I'm excited, but I'm certainly nervous as well. I'm scared that I can't be the mother and partner I want to be; I'm scared I'm still too much that 20 year old who was unprepared to be a mom; I'm scared of losing me and Josh and Aspen...

Telling Aspen scares me and telling my parent makes me nearly as nervous. It's weird starting a family that is, in some ways, outside of MY family--I almost feel like I'm betraying us. But, despite weirdness and nervousness and anxiety, it also feels right. I never thought I'd have another child and I'm not ready to share Josh, but I'm excited to see the way this changes our relationship. I'm excited to be with him when he tells all those people he's eager to tell. I'm excited to see him be a dad and Aspen be a sibling and mom and dad be grandparents...

I've been distracted all week and got absolutely nothing done. I took another pregnancy test this morning. The response: "Yes, I'm positive, It’s positive."

No comments: